YOU'RE STANDING IN YOUR NEIGHBOR'S BASEMENT AFTER HE INVITED YOU OVER TO LOOK AT HIS MODEL TRAIN SET. EVERYONE SAYS THIS GUY IS WEIRD, BUT WOULD A WEIRD GUY GIVE YOU SUCH A LONG AND INTENSE BACKRUB WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO ASK? OR HAVE SUCH AN IMPRESSIVE COLLECTION OF OILS AND LOTIONS? HE'S NOT WEIRD, HE'S JUST A GREAT GUY WITH A REALLY COOL BASEMENT. HE EVEN HAS A SWEET COCKTAIL BAR DOWN THERE. HE CHALLENGES YOU TO A MATCH OF SHIRTLESS WRESTLING. IT'S NOT MUCH OF A CHALLENGE THOUGH, HE'S INCREDIBLY EASY TO PIN. YOU WIN ROUND AFTER AROUND UNTIL HE FINALLY GETS DISQUALIFIED FOR TICKLING. AFTER ALL THE PHYSICAL EXERTION, HE ASKS IF YOU'RE THIRSTY, OFFERING TO MAKE YOU A REFRESHING CUP OF HOT COCOA. HE SAYS HE EVEN HAS A SPECIAL RECIPE AND GUARANTEES IT WILL BE THE TASTIEST COCOA YOU'VE EVER HAD. HE GOES BEHIND THE BAR AND STARTS WHIPPING IT UP. HE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO WATCH THOUGH BECAUSE THE RECIPE IS A SECRET, SO HE TURNS HIS BACK TO YOU. AS HE'S FINISHING IT, YOU CAN SEE HIM SHAKING SOMETHING AGGRESSIVELY, ACCOMPANIED BY WET SLAPPING NOISES. IT SOUNDS LIKE HE'S TRYING TO GET THE LAST STUBBORN DROPS OUT OF A BOTTLE OF SYRUP. HE LETS OUT A LOAD GROAN AND A SIGN OF RELIEF. SOUNDS LIKE HE FINALLY GOT IT. HE HANDS YOU THE PIPPING HOT MUG. YOU TAKE A BIG SIP. IT'S DELICIOUS. THERE'S SOMETHING SALTY AND VISCOUS MIXED IN. YOU THINK YOU FIGURED OUT THE SECRET INGREDIENT. HE MUST HAVE ADDED A THICK RIBBON OF SALTED CARAMEL. HE WATCHES YOU INTENTLY AS YOU SLURP IT UP. ONCE YOU DRINK THE LAST SIP, YOU ASK IF YOU CAN HAVE ANOTHER. SADLY, HE SAYS THAT HE NEEDS TO REST BEFORE HE CAN MAKE ANYMORE. YOU'RE DISAPPOINTED, BUT YOU'RE ALSO PRETTY FULL FROM THE FIRST CUP ANYWAYS - HE MUST HAVE USED SOME KIND OF PROTEIN MILK. WHEN IT'S TIME TO LEAVE, HE SENDS YOU OFF WITH A COMPLETELY NORMAL AND FRIENDLY KISS ON THE CHEEK. THEN, AS YOU'RE WALKING UP THE STAIRS, HE SMACKS YOUR ASS, WHICH IS ALSO TOTALLY NORMAL BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT FOOTBALL PLAYERS DO. IT JUST SHOWS THAT HE'S A GOOD SPORT EVEN AFTER HE LOST ALL THOSE WRESTLING MATCHES. GREAT FUCKING GUY.
